Adulthood journey ?

 Hey everyone!

Its been years maybe I havent update here. I officially graduated on October 2019 for my bachelor degree. Yeah!! 

Actually I finished my study on June 2019, and graduated on Oct 2019. So my adulthood journey started on June approximately. I started to hunt job, sending many applications, attended many virtual test and job interviews. It was never ending cycle until I told myself to pause it for a moment just to enjoy my life after years of study. Just for your information, I have back to back study journey with never longest break period. After SPM, I went for matriculation, and continue for my bachelor degree.

So on Oct 2019, I officially graduated from my university !! My graduation ceremony session was scheduled for evening session, so literally my session end late. It was one lifetime beautiful memory for me as I never thought that I managed to graduate for bachelor degree before I started my tertiary education. Thanks to both my parent, my siblings for their never ending supports especially in term of financial support. hehehhe! 

After the ceremony, we went for dinner and I didn't check my email and the next day, I went back again to my university to return my graduation robe. So, on my way back to hotel, I checked email inbox, and I found that my application for a job has been successful. And, at that moment, my adulthood journey officially start. After various process, I finally start my postgraduate journey on Dec 2019 and started my first job on Jan 2020. 

I never thought I can reach to this point where I further my study for master's degree. The journey is not as easy as bachelor's degree, but bearable. Unfortunately, on March 2020, pandemic started. I never thought it might affect my study, but, unfortunately I cant control it. My data collection process for preliminary dragged for 10 months. Its been longest time just for preliminary study. 

My journey as PG researcher started with stupid decision, which, I accidentally send my manuscript to a predatory journal. It was the biggest mistake I have done so far, but luckily I managed to retract my paper before pay for publication and publishing process. 

My supervisor gave me opportunity to attend conference. I never stand in front of many researchers before just to present my paper. My paper that I submitted for international virtual conference has been accepted and I managed to presents it front of international audiences. It was one of my achievement.

 

 Life was never easy. The day I present my paper for the conference, I found out that I was one of close contact for Covid19 and I have to do my PCR test again (the first one was when I fly back home during pandemic). After 3 days without news from the healthcare officer, I thought mine was negative, but unfortunately, on day 4 after sample taken, they called saying my result turn out positive. I loss for a few moment, but nothing can be done. I had to obey the quarantine order, and after 3 days quarantine after result given (ps, I have quarantine myself even before taking my sample), I was sent to quarantine center. I was given single room, with no other patient. It was good since I have to do my work with little distraction. After 4 days in quarantine center, I finally come home and continue with my home quarantine order again. Never ending quarantine process. hehehe.

 

I resume my journey again as postgraduate student with writing paper, thesis, etc.. I feel burnout sometime and I dont know why. The task given was bearable, but, I think, I cant focus anymore with my task due to working from home for months. I enjoyed my life before pandemic, working from lab, meeting people, etc.. But, with never ending movement restriction, I found myself to become less motivated person, keep procrastinate work and even worst, I become someone who hate to read and reply to any message. Every time I received any email or message, something trigger my anxiety to even look at the notification. I tried to overcome it, but it took long time to become someone who I used to be. I even scared to think what should I do in future. There certain topics I cant hear/respond if someone tried to ask or communicate with me. I might overwhelm or worst case, I might have it in my thought for days. I hate it because it affect my day. 

At certain point, I want to quit for everything I do. But, I have many responsibilities, my job, my education, my commitment. I told my self everyday, I can overcome this, I dont have to think something bad. That is the only way for me to survive my thought from thinking something bad. For everyone who have same phase as I am, I hope you can overcome it. Love.